Too much going on

I couldnt help myself but to express myself by writing. I am not the type who can roam around sharing their problems with other strangers.

I prefer to express it online for people dont know who I am. So, I dont hurt other people like how people usually do to me.

Turn their heel on, shut me off when I dont have the slightest reason to offer.

I either weep or keep.

Lack Of Desire

Lack of desire?

Salam All. Lately, I have been all miserable. Not knowing what I can do for my future. It was too perplexed to be explained.

Receiving my results for the mid-year-examinations choked me to a certain point that  I cant retain the feeling. It was too overwhelming. Personal problems that were not supposed to be lingering my head is now already nailed onto my head. Revealing the results to my parents were another problem. As I reflect upon the way I used to be, a tint of proudness savoured through me. But now, how do I get my 'old' self back? Where could have I gone wrong. After a fews day of clearing my mind... I finally managed to get the answer, it was lack of desire for success. Motivational books were not working right. Its as though, I was just wasting my time. An inkling just flashed and I know, the root was me not being confident.

A message to future

A Message To Future 
(songs for this letter: Creep and Daughter by Daniela Andrade)


To you, whom I prefer calling my Tobias.

Im never a poet nor an artist, but, always a lover of the heart and soul.

You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. But, do you know what kept me striding, your smile as you white teeth begin to display its hygiene which is always the most perfect thing Ive seen.

Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feeling are gone for ever.

 I offer myself to you again with a heart when you almost broke it. It was my fault letting you in, starting the conversation with a person that I couldnt possibly love more. I meant it, Tobias.

Dare not say that man forgets sooner than women. You probably dont even know, but after all the humiliation I faced, how could you couldnt?

'What if I told you no'   even the memory of it hurts.

Simply implying that you dont even bother to know me, understand my way of thinking like how I tried. Seeing your conversations with other girls hinted suffocation and piercing pain as I know I wouldnt receive chances to even talk to you. For I am nothing, but a coward who drowns herself into books in return for some relief.

Dont doubt me for I will wait you when you couldnt turn anywhere, but deep down I know you wouldnt. You are so full of spirits that always kept you going.

I will miss you, the way you make my heart race when your sight is nowhere to be seen around 7.20-7.25.

Your smile that was never meant for me.

Your tweet that has never been dedicated to me unlike how mine was.

You have bewitched me, body and soul. 

Just because I dont talk to you it doesnt mean I still dont think about you. Im just distancing myself because I know I cant have you.

To whom  we love the most, to them we say the least.

I wish you the best of luck for your future as I know your mind leaves me from your thought like how you are leaving the school.

For I have loved you more than myself, Tobias. 4 years and I will still wait. Im not a despo anyways.

This is for you.